delanceyplace.com 12/31/09 - our fearless predictions for the future
for the future:
As 2009 winds ever-so-gently to its conclusion, we 
have consulted the tarot card reader who works in the 
alley behind our headquarters complex, and 
assembled the following predictions. We know they 
are completely reliable, because we have used this 
particular tarot card reader frequently for sports betting 
purposes.
February 2, 2010 - Michael 
Jackson rises 
from the dead and immediately takes a part-time 
position as a Starbucks barista.
October 9, 2010 - Actor, playing a scene over 
the telephone, pauses long enough to create the 
illusion of someone speaking on the other 
end.
December 12, 2010 through October 14, 2017 
-  The U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, feeling somewhat 
underutilized, if not perhaps a bit neglected, order 
invasions of Pakistan, Kuwait, New Guinea, East 
Timor, Juarez, Mexico and Schenectady, New 
York.
February 14, 2011 - Tiger Woods renounces 
golf in favor of the newly resurgent ping pong craze, 
briefly joins a monastery, and ultimately enters into a 
polygamous marriage with Jessica Simpson, Roger 
Federer, Rachel Uchitel and his 155 foot megayacht 
Privacy.
July 4, 2011 - President Obama, with coaxing, 
overcomes his publicity phobia and gives a 
speech.
September 15, 2011 - The U.S. Congress 
temporarily puts an end to all budget deficit 
controversy by hiding the national checkbook 
register.
January 1, 2012 - China (finally!) renounces 
all 
self-interest and agrees to be guided solely by 
America's preferences. 
April 15, 2012 - Siegfried and Roy sell rights 
their dormant Las Vegas animal training act to 
Michael Vick, who promptly renames it Mike Vick's 
Las Vegas Animal Lovefest before mysteriously 
disappearing during a nightly cage cleaning.
May 1, 2012 - David Letterman relocates his 
show to the Playboy Mansion and introduces a new 
nightly feature called "Stupid Host Tricks."
November 3, 2017 - A man wears a toupee 
that actually fools someone.
(With thanks and apologies to George S. Kaufman 
and Marc Connelly)
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