Thursday, December 31, 2009 12/31/09 - our fearless predictions for the future

Top 10 fearless predictions
for the future:

As 2009 winds ever-so-gently to its conclusion, we
have consulted the tarot card reader who works in the
alley behind our headquarters complex, and
assembled the following predictions. We know they
are completely reliable, because we have used this
particular tarot card reader frequently for sports betting

February 2, 2010 - Michael
Jackson rises
from the dead and immediately takes a part-time
position as a Starbucks barista.

October 9, 2010 - Actor, playing a scene over
the telephone, pauses long enough to create the
illusion of someone speaking on the other

December 12, 2010 through October 14, 2017
- The U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, feeling somewhat
underutilized, if not perhaps a bit neglected, order
invasions of Pakistan, Kuwait, New Guinea, East
Timor, Juarez, Mexico and Schenectady, New

February 14, 2011 - Tiger Woods renounces
golf in favor of the newly resurgent ping pong craze,
briefly joins a monastery, and ultimately enters into a
polygamous marriage with Jessica Simpson, Roger
Federer, Rachel Uchitel and his 155 foot megayacht

July 4, 2011 - President Obama, with coaxing,
overcomes his publicity phobia and gives a

September 15, 2011 - The U.S. Congress
temporarily puts an end to all budget deficit
controversy by hiding the national checkbook

January 1, 2012 - China (finally!) renounces
self-interest and agrees to be guided solely by
America's preferences.

April 15, 2012 - Siegfried and Roy sell rights
their dormant Las Vegas animal training act to
Michael Vick, who promptly renames it Mike Vick's
Las Vegas Animal Lovefest before mysteriously
disappearing during a nightly cage cleaning.

May 1, 2012 - David Letterman relocates his
show to the Playboy Mansion and introduces a new
nightly feature called "Stupid Host Tricks."

November 3, 2017 - A man wears a toupee
that actually fools someone.

(With thanks and apologies to George S. Kaufman
and Marc Connelly)


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